I lieu of yelling “Meteor!” and running toward Mexico, Ross lays down his defense of Lana Del Rey by assuring us that she is totally a fabrication of lawyers and PR companies. …Wait. What?
Lana Del Rey – “Video Games”
From: Ross Angeles
To: Brandon Hall
Before I build to the base of my defense for Lana Del Rey (holy shit I can’t believe I just had to type that. I’m only now starting to realize what I’ve agreed to in accepting LDR as a client. If we were in an actual court room I’d point to the window, shout “Meteor!”, then sprint for the exit and run toward Mexico.)
Ahem. [straightens tie:smoothes hair] Let me start over.
Before I make my case, let me single out a sentence in the last paragraph of your opening argument: “I truly do not expect to like much, if any, of Born to Die, aside from the first three singles.” Those are your words. You’ve already willfully admitted that Lana Del Rey is three-for-three in her young career and today is releasing a record with no less than that number of bonafide hits. The other dozen tracks could be gurgling sounds of a pool filter trying to pass a dead lizard and Born To Die would be superior to 90% of the records released in 2012.
But as you stated, the music is not what makes Lana Del Rey interesting. In some ways it’s actually the LEAST interesting thing about her (you’d do best to read that last couplet in your best Chuck Klosterman nasal intonation). Lana Del Rey is an absurd creation by unknown mad men. She’s already admitted as much stating “Lana Del Rey came from a series of managers and lawyers over the last 5 years who wanted a name that they thought better fit the sound of the music.” It’s safe to assume those evil geniuses did not endorse such a disclosure as she’s since backpedaled from the admission. But there’s no doubt that LDR is simply pop music’s widest net fishing for the billion people who think they like cool things. For example, this is from an early official press release:
No matter where in the world Lana is, her love of film noir, Italian landscapes, big churches, roller coasters and the memory of faded stars like Bette Davis, Kurt Cobain, Nina Simone and Elvis are the chorus line for her music, and her love of New York is her heartbeat.
That is what her own publicity team wrote about her! LDR is like one of those auto-generated Twitter-bot posts that scavenges for followers by stringing together trending topics. Mr Brainwash, $1 Tahiti Vacation, #IfIWereBlackFor1Day.
Despite all of this the only thing that is surprising is how clumsy the staging has been. Popular music is certainly no stranger to the artificial construction of a performer. May I please introduce into evidence Lady Gaga, GWAR and Chris Gaines. Whether your affectation is wearable meat, foam body armor or a flavor saver, the general idea is the same. Embrace some extravagant idiosyncrasy to separate yourself from a mass audience thereby creating the necessary gap for them to idolize you (and buy a shitload of concert tickets).
Now none of the above really makes a strong case that Lana Del Rey is worth regarding as a valid musician because, well, she’s not a valid musician. At the end of the day she’s Rebecca Black with a better song, slimmer figure and larger PR team. The thing that perplexes me is why everyone cares so much. The music blogger crowd has tried to snark her to death because she’s adopted a ridiculous pseudonym, wrapped herself in false mystique and claimed an eccentric point of view. Wait…did I just describe LDR or Carles from Hipster Runoff?
It just seems the culturally aware have better things to deeply consider, like the fact that the process of making your new iPhone probably caused someone to blow up in China. And if you’re dead set on criticizing a person can we just take aim at someone who is insufferable and actually being themselves? I nominate Ben Lyons.
“Choose your words/This is the last time/Cause you and I, we were born to die.”
Ross
Born To Die is out today, 1/31 on Interscope.
AudioVole 
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